Confessions of a Tinderella: the Types of Men You’ll Inevitably Date

To be completely honest, I hesitated to write this blog post. I’m always afraid of sounding too judgmental, too cynical, or too whiny when I write blog posts about my dating experiences. Then, I remembered that I really couldn’t care less about anyone’s opinions regarding my relationships or my personal life, and I digress…

As someone who is tired of going on uneventful first dates with boys, and I cannot stress boys enough, I feel as though it is my civic duty to inform the uneducated masses on these matters of the heart as they can be the most beneficial — or detrimental. You see, my dearest reader; I am not the self-proclaimed Tinderella that the internet needs, but the one it deserves. I believe that just because I had to suffer through these boys doesn’t meant that someone else should have to. Think of me as a modern Carrie Bradshaw except a little “curvier”and with cheaper shoes (now the shoes as the pic make sense, don’t they? I really just had nothing else to put there, work with me here).

Now, to whomever may read this and think I’m talking about them, you’re probably right. Just kidding, rather, the personas I depict below are traits that I have picked from a specific person or is a blend of people; a fuck-boy smoothie, if you will. But please remember that all people have redeeming qualities, so please focus on those and don’t let your judgment be shrouded by negativity and preconceived notions. Okay, that’s enough. Let’s get on with the cynicism, shall we?


Mansplainer

He knows so much more than you do, and he’ll never let you forget it. Don’t you DARE correct him. If you don’t want something explained to you, then you do not bring it up. But, if you like learning things, maybe the mansplainer is for you. Or, if you don’t need everything explained to you as soon as you open your mouth, steer clear of him.

King Boo

The “King Boo” is neither a “King” nor is he your “Boo.” I am, of course, making a reference to a video game and if you still don’t get it, please refer to the red X (or top left if you’re using a Mac) in the top right corner of your browser and exit this website as you are clearly too young to be reading this.

Either you go on one date with the King Boo or date him for a year, regardless, he is out of your life as soon as things are over. He just vanishes into thin air, likewise, he deletes all evidence of you and you disappear too. Now, no judgment if this is the way you have to cope with your ended relationship, but, to the one being ghosted, it will hurt your feelings.

1-800-BOOTYCALL-BLING

3AM or 6PM, he doesn’t care. He will hit you up whenever he wants because he can. If he calls you at random times, more often than not very late at night; doesn’t take you out on dates or in public; or frequently says things like “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” — you’ve got a booty call Drake on your hands.

If this is the type of relationship you want, then hell yeah girlfriend! Otherwise, don’t answer the phone (this wasn’t a pun).   

Firewall

This guy is really hot but is as boring a’f. He may be an aspiring model, actor, or both and you will generally feel as though you’re having a conversation with yourself. However, you shouldn’t overlook him since he could be shy. But, if the conversation is still lackluster after a few dates, it may be time to love to watch him leave.

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