The Good, the Bad, and the Poorly Scripted: Movie Reviews

Anyone who has ever known me, ever, knows that my one true love (besides grilled cheese) is a really good movie. So, in this new series, I want to educate the masses on which movies to waste your time on and which to not waste your time on. For those prepping to stay inside due to Storm JoBros this weekend, this post may be perfect as the time is nigh for Netflix and chilllllll. (I had to, sorry.) Here’s what I’ve watched recently:

 

Adult World is charming movie features the lovely Emma Roberts as a struggling post-grad trying to make a name for herself as a poet. However, she can only get a job as a sales clerk at a porn shop supervised by AHS panty dropper, Evan Peters. It seems as though the casting director took a cue from American Horror Story. Seriously, I really thought Jessica Lange was going to pop out and yell “no, I’M THE SUPREME” at any time. Instead, we got a Cusack sibling, and no, not Joan. Cusack plays a fading, jaded poet of whom Emma’s character seeks mentorship. After finally persuading John Cusack to mentor her, the virginal Emma makes friends with Rubia, a transgender woman with whom she eventually moves in with, and struggles to find the “right one” to deflower her. Just typical post-grad issues, really. In short, the film is about breaking out of comfort zones, finding one’s self, and snapping out of the mentality that you’re a “special snowflake”. Really touching family movie, if your kids are cool with transgenders, porn, and failed seductions. I’m giving this movie snaps, and definitely a good watch for those at point of change in their life.

Contracted: Phase II was literal garbage. The first one wasn’t too terrible, though poorly contracted-phase-2-posterscripted, the plot was alright. Evidently, it was alright enough for me to elect to watch the second one. For those who did not watch the first one, here’s the basic premise of the movie: there’s a virus that makes people rot from the inside and turns them into zombies. To catch the virus, you have to have sex with an infected person or just swap some bodily fluids, *insert smirking emoji here*. However, the scariest part of the movie was the terrible acting and the main character popping a zit on his back. The lead guy – I don’t even remember his name, that’s how garbage it was – sets out to find the source of the virus in order to stop it. And along the way, ends up infecting his sister and her unborn child, his love interest, and his grandmother in one fell swoop. Way to go, hero. In the end, everyone dies, and human-kind is destroyed by this zombie STD. The End. If you’re looking for a good laugh over cheesy dialogue, this movie is for you. Otherwise, treat this movie as the STD it clearly is. I think that’s a metaphor.

 


 

This was almost as fun as writing the Tinderellas, honestly. I won’t give away too much, but we at OM are in talks of making our blog multi-media, if you know what I mean. If you want to see me review a movie, possibly with a glass (bottle, I mean bottle) of wine, please speak now or forever be super basic.

Which movies have you watched recently? Have any movies you reccommend? Leave your responses in the comments!

 

 

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