We’re the generation that has, unfortunately, been plagued with a constant feeling of missing out. We’ve all been there: that night in you were once so enthused about was instantaneously ruined as soon as you checked your Snapchat stories or how you scroll through Facebook after a long day at work and see everyone’s awesome summer adventures abroad. These examples are so specific because I’ve been there. I was stoked about my new 9-5 job to only find that my puny office pales in comparison to my friend’s Italian escapades (cough, cough, THOMAS, cough). FOMO is a sneaky bastard: although you are the one feeling this right now, the person you’re envying on social media has more than likely felt the same about you. FOMO is a cruel lover who makes you fall in love then rips your heart out and eats it in front of you. Clearly, FOMO is an epidemic of epic proportions that we haven’t seen since people thought you could get AIDs from toilet seats.
But what is it?!? We clearly had no clue what AIDs was (if you permit me to beat this analogy to the ground) so I’m here to tell you what it is and how to cure it. Basically, I’m like WebMD except I won’t tell you that you’re dying or have an STD. Coolio.
But wait, yeah, stop speaking in acronyms?!?
FOMO = Fear of Missing Out.
This is the feeling we get when you decline on a night of going out with your friends and opt to stay in. It’s a little feeling in your stomach that says “wow, you’re such a loser look at you eating an entire pint of Ben&Jerry’s while you’re friends are having fun, maybe you could’ve met a hot guy or a celebrity…” Eventually, you’re completely consumed by shoulda, coulda, woulda’s and that pint of Ben&Jerry’s doesn’t seem so appealing anymore not to mention you’re starting to question whether watching 5 episodes of House of Cards in a row is healthy or not. I’m here to tell you why you should raise your spoon high and start another episode, damn it!
1. Be real, you weren’t going to meet a celebrity or a hot dude
2. Even if you saw them, you weren’t going to talk to either
3. Kevin Spacey is a really good actor, the end of the season will be so crazy
4. Your friends are always going to want to go out, but that ice cream will melt if you don’t eat it.
5. You can always watch a documentary and tell your friends about it, then they’ll feel some summertime sadness
6. You won’t be hungover tomorrow, that’s always cool.
7. You should probably be pretty #blessed that FOMO is all you’re worried about.
8. Put your phone away and enjoy your own company. You’re kinda cool.
So, kids, the lesson we’ve learned today is that FOMO is essentially a really dumb problem to have. Your life could be way worse. So enjoy spending the night in bed not wearing pants, indulge in your junk food of choice, leave the bars early and feel no shame, and turn off your phone once in a while – people survived without them once! We’ve also learned that AIDs is not transmittable by skin contact, only bodily fluids. If you didn’t know that, have you been under a rock since ’85? Okay, I’m done. *drops mic*