Fashion Tips: How to Get Raped

I’ve seen many articles lately like: “5-year-old gets kicked out of school for risqué sundress” or “Conservative wife stops wearing leggings to uphold Husband’s honor” or “rape victim’s skirt too short.” This got me thinking: wouldn’t it be great if someone made a list of things I shouldn’t wear so I can be revered in the eyes of the patriarchy? So, today dear followers, I give you a simple list you can use in reference every morning when you wake up. Because, really, everything we do as women is in servitude to our male counterparts and we must keep their wants and desires in mind.

1. Leggings / Yoga Pants


Hot damn girl! You ARE asking for it!!! Leggings and yoga pants are so clingy that they outline every nook and cranny of your body. Screw comfort! If you don’t want to get raped, don’t wear these things ever. Wearing these are too tempting, it’s the equivalent to keeping ice cream in the freezer.



2. Cut-Outs


I recently read an article that told the story of a girl who was kicked out of her senior prom for wearing an inappropriate prom dress and rightfully so! Claiming its place as #2 on our rape list, cut outs are too scandalous! Don’t you dare wear anything that shows too much skin. When you show off your body, you are telling menL “I’m ready for ya!” So be sure to not wear anything like this until you are actually ready to communicate this message.


3. Too Short Skirts


This is a given, now. By making your prized lady goods on display like this, there’s no doubt that you’ll get raped. I mean, it’s basically like an invitation with a skirt this short! My advice? If you’re trying not to get raped, wear something that covers you from head to toe and isn’t form fitting so you can avoid this. However, if you’re just an attention-seeking girl with daddy issues looking to get some action, this dress could be for you!!!


4. Everything in Your Closet

Remember when I said, not too long ago, that if you cover yourself head to toe that you can evade getting raped? Well, that was a lie. The point is, you can get raped wearing anything be it a skimpy dress or a baggy jumpsuit. The real message here is that our public discourse surrounding rape hasn’t changed. We are victim/slut shaming to no avail, banning women from wearing clothes that they like to wear and all of this because men can’t admit that they done goofed. But NOT ALL MEN? Right? Even though you personally don’t rape, calling girls sluts and whores, oversexualizing the female form and refusing to change your behavior is allowing this rape culture to thrive.

How to Not Get Raped

Stay on your guard. Honestly, these sentiments in our culture are not going to just go away with posts like these or a couple of protests. So, it is our duty (as much as it sucks) to defend ourselves. Always travel in packs, watch your drinks, and WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT.

For the future, make sure you explain to your sons that they aren’t entitled to the female body and that women are their equals. As the generation that is about to raise a new generation, it is up to us to teach our children to end this violence.

This post was satire, wearing these items will not guarantee you’ll be raped and yes, not all men are rapists.


5 thoughts on “Fashion Tips: How to Get Raped

    1. I’m so sorry that happened to you Aimee. But you’re right, that’s how most of these things happen and it proves that the whole “she was dressed like a slut” argument is invalid.


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