You asked. I answered. Here I present you with the second installment of Confessions of a Tinderella.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I decided that it would be best to make you all feel better about your love lives (or lack thereof) by sharing short stories about really terrible dates that I’ve been on. Regrettably, I have had to leave out some prime stories since, after the first installment of Confessions of a Tinderella, I was approached by previous Tinder matches to not share their stories.
I’m not completely heartless, so I will respect those wishes.
That being so, not all of these stories are from people I met on Tinder. Remarkably, I am capable of making conversation in person. I hope this isn’t too much of a surprise to you.
1. Not Tall Enough To Ride This Ride.
I went on this date with a guy from Tinder a couple of days after breaking things off with my last boyfriend. I was single and ready to mingle!!!!! (Please refer to sentence earlier explaining that I’m not completely heartless, I would like you to remind yourself of that statement right now). He seemed nice enough, but I wasn’t very into it since I wasn’t really in the right mindset to start a new relationship anyway. I met him at a coffee shop and we talked for a long time. We liked the same music and everything but still something wasn’t clicking (mutual music taste is not sufficient enough to have a relationship, people). Then, we stood up and hugged goodbye…
I kid you not, the kid barely came up higher than my chest.
That’s when I decided I REALLY wasn’t into him.
I AM SO SUPERFICIAL I KNOW WOW I CAN’T DATE A GUY SHORTER THAN ME OH MY GOD I AM SO AWFUL. Let me take a second to explain myself: I stand at 5’10” and am by no means a stick, if you catch my drift. I don’t like dating short guys because I don’t want to be constantly reminded of my size. I am constantly surrounded by girls smaller than me so why would I want a man to be smaller than me? Go ahead, crucify me.
I digress… Later I told Mr. Boob Height that I wasn’t feeling it and he said he wasn’t either. About a year later I saw him on Halloween. I dressed up as a nun and he was a pope so it was kinda perfect. We have a picture together somewhere on the interwebs now.
2. The Foreigner
While I studied abroad in Prague, I decided to use Tinder to my full advantage. Sure there were creeps among the pool of men I was swiping through but sure enough there were some decent human life-forms to be found. I met this one guy who is now my Facebook friend and all we do is chat. He likes to practice his English on me and I’m more than happy to oblige. I never met him and he’s never asked for anything creepy like that so it was all in good natured fun.
I think the point of this story is that not everyone is a creep. Never lose hope. Keep hanging on. Stay golden. Stay thirsty my friends. Insert another inspirational quote here.
3. The One Who Made a Really Great Impression on my Dad
My dad’s phone number and mine are practically the same with the exception of one digit. Sometimes I even give creepy guys at bars my dad’s number and watch the fun later. My dad’s hilarious if you didn’t know so already.
Anyway, this guy texted my dad something ridiculous and my dad replied in the most perfect way possible:
Despite his great connection with my dad right off the bat, he was that type to text at 11:00PM asking to hang out. No thanks bud. That’s valuable Netflix time. P.S. Boys: we all know that no one wants to come over and watch movies at midnight. Time to find a new euphemism.
4. The “Justified” Cheater
Disclaimer: I met this person in a bar, not on Tinder. I told you guys I can talk to people in real life.
There’s a bar here in Charleston that has a deal every Thursday for $1 vodka drinks. As an annoyingly frugal lady (Example: “is there a coupon for that?” Is one of my most commonly used statements), I am usually there. Unfortunately for me, the only guys who make it out to Thirsty Thursday are the creepiest of the creeps.
Anyway, I was minding my own business dancing with my lady friends when I made eye contact with this really tall guy. I’m going to guess he was around 6’7″. The first thought to cross my mind was: “wow, our babies could be world star athletes.” (Please refer to earlier statement about my height). So, as you can imagine, I was really excited about this prospect. We started to dance and we had a really great time that night. When the night ended he walked me home and we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. It was overall a great time.
Next day, I’m telling my friend/coworker the exciting news and how I foolishly thought that this could be a real thing. She then proceeds to tell me that he’s married.
Yep. His wife is waiting for him in his homeland of Brazil.
Sure enough, that night he texted me and wanted to know what I was doing so I confronted him. There’s no way I’m going to be a side chick. He then tried to justify his actions while never denying that he is in fact married!
I told him I didn’t want to speak to him again.
He still hits me up almost 2 months later.
I hope that my terrible luck with men is any consolation for you cynical singles this Valentine’s Day. I like to think of V Day as a day where you should cherish all of your relationships – not just the romantic ones. Take a day to do something special with someone – anyone – you love this Saturday.
Did you miss Part One of Confessions of a Tinderella? Read it here.
As promised, I leave you with some great screenshots. Have a blessed day: