Confessions of a Tinderella Pt. 1

As people have hooked up, broken up and even hitched up; Tinder has taken the online dating game by storm. I know countless people who have been in wonderful, long-term relationships because of Tinder, and some have not so much. I am, embarrassingly enough, a Tinder veteran. I have been on many Tinder dates and now I’ll share with you some of my favorite experiences with guys I met on Tinder.

The problem with Tinder is that you only get to see what the other person wants you to see. Sometimes, you meet people you never want to see again, people who won’t ever leave you alone, or the great first dates that you never hear from again. These are only a few of the men I’ve met on Tinder.

1. The Homophobic Racist
This guy looked really good on paper. He was in the Air Force, a firefighter, really sweet, and was looking for a long-term relationship. We texted for a while and things seemed really awesome. Eventually, as most of these things go, we decided to meet up at the aquarium for our date. So, he had me wake up at 7am and meet him at the aquarium bright and early, obviously, I was already annoyed. I spent 2 hours walking around with him and watched him take pictures and listen to him talk about himself. It was awful and I wanted to go home. However, he insisted to go out to lunch. Finally, 3 hours later, he asked me something about myself. But, he just wanted to know what I did last night. I told him that I went to the gay bar with my best friend. THEN he said:

I don’t agree with the gay lifestyle choice.

Side note: being gay or bisexual, asexual, what have you is not a lifestyle choice. Sexuality is innate.

Then, we finally left the pizza place and he drove me home. THEN, as if it couldn’t get worse, he almost ran over a little kid on his bike, rolled down his window and said some things that are just too explicit and I refuse to type them here.

I never saw him again.

2. The Daddy
Last summer, after I studied abroad, I went back to my parents house.

Side note: Going from Prague, Czech Republic to Bluffton, SC is not a good transition. I do not recommend.

Anyway, since I don’t have many friends in Bluffton, I took to Tinder to pass the time. What a mistake. I met this one guy and he seemed great, he was smart, witty, tall, had great taste in music, and really seemed like someone I could talk to. After talking for about two weeks he decided to text me out of the blue with:

Yeah so I need to be honest, that kid in my picture is not my nephew like I said. He’s my son.

First thought that ran through my head: I don’t even have air-conditioning in my car… I’m ill-equipped to be a stepmother. Nevertheless I still continued to date him for the rest of the month. Eventually, I had to move back to Charleston for school and as neither of us wanted a long distance relationship – I never saw him again.

3. The Sloppy Kisser
This guy was really sweet but super insecure. He was fresh out of the Marines and seemed like a really great guy. However, I wasn’t sure if it was going to work out since he had literally no ambition. As some people may know, I am very driven and a hard-working person, but, I was willing to overlook it. We went on a couple of dates and it was fun, eventually we hung out at my house and well, you know what happens (we watched the Exorcist and made out, very high school).

THERE WAS SALIVA ALL OVER MY FACE. I swear, I think this guy was trying to eat me rather than make out with me. You know it’s bad when you just want the person to stop kissing you. So I made some excuse as to why I didn’t want to date him and he called me selfish and blah blah blah.

Fast forward two months and I re-download Tinder during my winter break (boredom fuels my Tinder addiction). I came across his profile, panicked a little and quickly swiped left. Sure enough, he saw me and not too long afterwards, I get a text from him. He then insists that I tell him the real reason why we didn’t work out. I was afraid to hurt his feelings. Eventually I cracked and told him that he was a bad kisser. Then he said I was a b*tch. I guess that makes us even.

P.S. I had to block his number.

4. The Entourage Man
This is my last and final installment of my Tinder woes. He was a total babe, just graduated college and working a “big boy” job. He was funny, handsome, driven, and smart. So basically I found a unicorn, but I should’ve known it was too good to be true. We decided to go to dinner at Octo, one of my favorite restaurants in Charleston, and I was so excited. I had really never been this nervous to meet someone. He picked me up around 7:30 in his BMW (swag) and we were off. When we got there he said we were going to meet up with a couple of his friends.

As if the stress of having a first date wasn’t enough, I had to worry about meeting his friends…

Turns out, in his dictionary, a couple means seven. We met up with seven people who all knew each other. I spent the entire dinner being ignored by my date.

He dropped me off and I let him know that this was the worst date I had ever been on and that he shouldn’t talk to me again.

I deleted Tinder.


 

These tales of love and woe should pose as a forewarning to all: even though some people have found love by swiping right, most guys are mainly a**holes.

Here are share some great profiles I’ve found:

Look into my eyes.
Look into my eyes.
Hello ladies.
Hello ladies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is that Red from OITNB???
Is that Red from OITNB???
America.
America.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Make sure you read Part Two!

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